According to the usual undisclosed sources, April Showers has been using steroids. The reports seem to be substantiated by the strength exhibited in the recent round of storms spawning a record-breaking number of tornadoes.
Apparently April is attempting to reinvent herself by injecting some muscle into her sweet, gentle persona. It is rumored that she no longer feels that she can rely on flower power alone since the weather arena is so intensely competitive. Semi-reliable sources say that she has succumbed to internal pressure to discard her docile “spring showers” routine in favor of a more electric program.
Information leaked to the press just this morning included a document in which April had listed her goals for the Spring of 2011, which included the following:
- Delay gardening.
- Disrupt spring cleaning.
- Pre-empt Dancing with the Stars.
- Upstage Snow by extending the school year beyond the usual built-in “Snow Days.” (Snow is her fiercest competitor in the weather game.)
- Upset travel plans.
- Create havoc in small communities and cities alike.
- Steal thunder from Royal Wedding in London on April 29th. (She would forever be remembered as the dampener of spirits on that special day.)
April’s new-found force has been acknowledged by the mayor of St. Louis, who stated that he was “stunned” by the magnitude of the tornado in his city, which has been confirmed as an EF4. It seems that she has secured her place as an intense rival of Snow and Ice. But at what cost to her reputation if she is indeed found to be guilty of steroid use?
One of her closest friends, May Flowers, has been heard to say, in answer to that question, “April Showers has decided that it is indeed true that any publicity, even negative, is better than NO publicity. That’s what made her do it. She is willing to take responsibility and accept the consequences of her behavior if she can have her fifteen minutes of fame.”
It remains to be seen whether or not she will accomplish the last goal on her list. Her guilt or innocence in regard to illegal steroid use will be determined in the coming months. In the meantime, her reputation has been tarnished because of her erratic behavior.
Can she get past this ugly season in her life and re-establish her place in society as the soft-spoken one who charms all the cute umbrellas out of their closets? We can only hope that she has not gained any positive feedback from her attempt to reinvent herself and that she will abandon her desire to be someone she is not. Going against one’s own nature in order to achieve fame can only end badly.
It is the sincere hope of this observer that the lovely April Showers will settle down and occupy her own niche in the future, leaving the stress of cutthroat competition in the weather game to all those cold-hearted ice queens and seasoned windbags that handle it so well.
Fingers crossed that, either as a selfless act true to her gentleness or as a selfish act hoping to help her case, she will not rain on William and Kate’s parade!