Like Demands Pay Raise

As you may have noticed, C.C. occasionally goes off-message in order to deliver a bit of news that the reader may or may not find scintillating or even mildly intriguing.  However, she does invoke her free-range status as evidence of her right to do so.  It is for that reason, and that reason only, that the following breaking news is presented:

“Lance Wright here, folks, right outside the studio of KNOW.  You may be familiar with their slogan:  ‘KNOW where fast!’  I am attempting to find someone who is willing to appear on camera and enlighten us as to the origin of this disturbance.  I am trying to make my way over to where I see my colleague Churchyard Chick.  She seems to have her feathers ruffled over whatever is going on, as I see her squawking and clucking and making an awkward effort to hold a picket sign in her beak.  Let’s see what she has to say . . . Hi there, C.C., would you give us a moment?  Let me hold that for you . . . what does it say . . . ‘UNFAIR!’  Can you explain?”

“Certainly!  I welcome the opportunity.  My friend Like, who has been working as a Part of Speech here at KNOW for as long as they have been in existence, has finally had enough of their unfair practices.  He has been overworked and underpaid for years, but they have gone too far.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“Absolutely!  He kept silent when employees used him informally around the office as a conjunction.  He held his peace when they casually used him as some vague extraneous part of a sentence, most akin to an interjection, I suppose, such as ‘I’m . . . like . . . really bummed out’ or ‘Like . . . you know . . . whatever.’  He has tolerated those kinds of injustices in informal settings, as that is to be expected.  However, his contention (and reason for going on strike) is that those who employ him in a formal setting such as the news room should adhere to his job description.  The most egregious offense is using him to do the work of As.”

“Remind me who As is.”

“Of course.  As is a conjunction, as in ‘As we reported yesterday, the Parts of Speech Union is in an uproar.’  Just last night one of the KNOW anchors said, ‘No one reports the news like we do.’  Then the weatherman ended a sentence with ‘. . . like they are now.’   That was the tipping point for Like.  He is one disgruntled Part of Speech.”

“And why have you taken up his cause so vehemently?”

“Well, Lance, as you know, I am always a friend of the underdog.  I support the cause of anyone who is over-worked and under-acknowledged.  I know how it feels to have no advocate (as evidenced by my own dealings with Easter Bunny).  Besides, Like is an old friend from Grammar School.”

“What do you know about As?  Does he do his job well?”

“Oh, he does an excellent job when called upon.  Like’s complaint is not with As.  His grievance is with his employers.  Like feels that they are ignoring both job descriptions, thus earning As the undeserved nicknames ‘Half-As’ and ‘Lazy-As’, when it is not even his own fault.  So, really, he is doing this for both of them.”

“Does Like have anything in writing?”

“Definitely.  Mr. Webster himself foresaw such abuse, so he stated, ‘The use of LIKE in place of AS is universally condemned by teachers and editors, notwithstanding its wide currency, especially in advertising slogans.’  Clearly, KNOW is not acting within the standards of good usage.”

“What are Like’s demands?”

“Quite simple really.  Since he is already overused, he would prefer that they adhere strictly to his job description, but he concedes that things have already gone too far.  Therefore, in light of current usage practices, he is asking to be compensated when he replaces As.  He is demanding overtime for those extra hours.  It’s only right.”

“Have the Grammar Police been of any assistance in this matter?”

“They have provided protection for his peaceful demonstration and have been very cooperative.  He is grateful for their support and wants everyone to know that he is hopeful that negotiations will begin soon so that he can return to work.  It will be in everyone’s best interest, as I don’t know how English could ever replace him.  For example, where would Facebook be today without Like?!”

“Excellent point. Thank you, C.C., for taking time to share this information with our viewers.  I know you are ready to get back to the picket line.  Here . . . let me help you with that sign.  And there she goes . . . oops . . . only halfway across the road before she lost it out of her beak.  Oh well . . . maybe  someone on the other side will help her out.  We will keep you updated as this story unfolds.  For now, this is Lance Wright for KLUK, saying, as always, “If you don’t hear it here, it has not happened.  Good day everyone.”


About Jan Hamlett

Exploring faith outside the safety of Sunday
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