World’s Oldest Profession Suffers Major Setback

“Hello, folks, Lance Wright here, reporting live from the first ever Ladies of the Evening World Deliberation, otherwise known as LEWD.  Ladies from all walks of the profession are gathered here in Amsterdam, where they can be free to discuss openly their mounting problems.  With me is the newly elected head of the organization, known as Madame Superior.  Madame, what is the major topic for deliberation at this ground-breaking conference?”

“Well, Lance, as you know, our business is worldwide, and we have a long and storied history as the oldest continuously operating profession in the universe.  In the past, we have had no problem attracting customers.  The only things our associates had to do were dress provocatively and make themselves available.  However, of late, we have experienced a decline in sales due to competition.”

“Tell me . . . where is that competition coming from?”

“You know, it’s the strangest thing, Lance.  We never expected this.  Our competition is arising from a group known as ‘casual sexers.’   Of course, there have always been some who participated in this, but they pretty much kept it under wraps due to shame, so they weren’t really a threat economically.  But now, they have decided not only to do it themselves but also to promote it and grow their numbers.  Their strategy is working, and they are putting us out of business!”

“What is their strategy?”

“It appears that television has had a lot to do with it.  You know, Two and a Half Men and other shows have done much to promote sex with strangers, but what has recently been our undoing is this new show called Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23.   I myself have not seen much of it — too trashy for me — but some of the ladies have been telling me that the main character stated that feelings just complicate things, then to get back on track went in search of someone to have sex with.  Astonishingly, she even said, “that’s God telling you” (the “good girl” roommate) to have casual sex.  We ourselves have never even thought about claiming to have God’s approval.  There is no way we can compete with that!”

“What is your plan?”

“Well, as of right now, we don’t have one.  With the entire female population beginning to jump into bed (or any convenient spot) with any available male just for a fun activity, we are at a loss.   Everyone is nervous about what might happen to our profession if this keeps up.  A whole new generation of girls is cropping up:  young women who don’t realize that the term ‘casual sex’ is an oxymoron.  NO sex is casual; it takes years of training to learn how to separate feelings from such intimate physical encounters.  They are novices; they will eventually realize this, but the damage to their psyches will already have been done.”

“Well, I wish you much success as you formulate a plan.  I would hate to see you go out of business!”

“Thank you, Lance.  But the outlook is very gloomy.  We have already had to cut prices, hire creative consultants, and offer more services.   I don’t know how much farther we can go.  If this ‘casual sex’ trend continues, we will face financial bankruptcy; but the competition will face emotional and spiritual bankruptcy, and I have to say, based on my own experience, I believe theirs will be harder to bounce back from.”


About Jan Hamlett

Exploring faith outside the safety of Sunday
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